i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
