We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize