I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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