We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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