Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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