We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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