If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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