I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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