Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
