I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
