Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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