I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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