wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
