good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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