Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
