my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
