guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
