u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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