dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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