so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
