sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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