I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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