You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
