We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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