Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
