your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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