I am puke
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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