he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Panties = found
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