i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
