I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
