1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
