im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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