Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
