After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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