Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
