I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
