I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
