You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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