I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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