can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
