I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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