guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize