even my farts smell like vagina
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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