Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
