So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize