break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
