So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
