I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
