I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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