I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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