if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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