Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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