a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My ATM looks so different sober.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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