you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
