god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
