The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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