i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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