so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
