i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
