True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
