if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
