just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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