Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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