I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
