we were pretty classy up until the second keg
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
